And there he was..

Since my audience is......well, obsolete, I figured I'd take a minute (or this whole entire blog) to write about my husband. He's gone right now. He has been gone for almost 5 months now. Nothing unusual about that because he's been in the Marine Corps long enough for me to experience deployments. This isn't exactly a deployment per se; it's more of an unnecessary interruption in our daily lives. I miss him a lot. More than usual on certain days. Today is one of them. Certainly, I miss him in a sentimental way. I miss his face. His touch on the small of my back. The look he gives me from across the room. I know his thoughts. I've known this kid for more than half of my life and I can say with a certainty that 90% of the time, I can read his mind. I find it weird that I never thought to say any of this publicly. I wasn't raised that way. But lately I've come to the startling revelation- I'm not like other people. I'm me. I have always done what I wanted to do and I want to be able to throw inhibitions out the window. Maybe just once.

But today, and a lot of other days, I miss his touch. I miss his hands on my face, my neck, my legs. I miss him in a way that is completely natural but more than a little scary. I don't think he realizes the effect he has on me. I know that he sometimes is insecure in himself and doubts me but there is no reason. I love this boy more than I ever knew it was possible. I love him in way that is scary to me. See, one day I was normal. I had my life planned out- not figured out but definitely, I had plans. He wasn't part of them. He was a blast from the past. I tried to scare him off and it didn't work. Oh, I liked him a lot then. I was attracted to him. But he wasn't part of the big picture so I had to let him go. And I tried. BOY did I try. Then he came over one night. When he kissed me, it was like my first kiss. I had never felt that feeling before. I don't understand it because he wasn't my first kiss. I had kissed many times. But his kiss was breathtakingly honest. And I knew he loved me. I knew probably before he even knew. And all it took was one kiss before I knew I wasn't letting him go. I don't know what I ever did to deserve this man but he's mine and he's not going anywhere.

The man is a genius when it comes to me. And that's all I know. Today, like every day, I miss him.  He is my safe haven but he is also the storm.

These are my.....

"I would do bad things" songs.

The subject of religion....

I have been having a rough time with my faith lately. It's not that I haven't had trials in my life because I have. I have a sick kid and nothing could be more frightening than that, right? Wrong. Because in some ways, lack of finances/job can be more terrifying. When we found out Josh was sick, we had insurance. Now, 9 years later, we find ourselves losing the security that the Marine Corps has provided for so long. So there goes the insurance. What's one new worry, eh?


So my faith is pretty much non existent at this point. I never considered myself a conditional Christian but I realize, belatedly, that I may very well be just that. I never wanted to be that. When my son was sick, I never considered myself one. But when faced with circumstances such as these, I've become timid. I had faith. I had, so MUCH, faith that God was going to protect us. God takes care of his own, right? I thought so, too. Now I know better. I threw myself on His mercy and in the end, we were not taken care of. For over a year I told myself, this is not happening to you. Pray, Maria, pray. We serve a God who can move mountains. We serve a God who takes care of us. But he didn't. And it hurts. It hurts more than I ever thought it could.


So after that day in August, I was deflated. Everything I had lived for the last 15 years was suddenly a lie. A sham. What good is religion when you can no longer trust the omnipotent? And I found myself being completely and utterly.....alone- for the first time in my life. Obviously, I've been alone before. I've spent time without my husband, kids, family. But I always knew, when I was in that valley, I had God there beside me. And now, I feel the inexplicable grief of losing Him because I know with a certainty that I did in fact lose him. I can't find him anywhere. The pain is crippling. I can only brush myself off so many times before I realize that I am better off on the ground, so that when someone comes by to kick me, I don't have very far to fall. 


Now I'm faced with wonder. Is living a life free from religion really so grand? Is it grander than living, knowing that you have doubts but not looking into those doubts because your religion, your God is your comfort? Do you continue to prove that he doesn't exist or do you give up and go back to the way of life you had before because that life was comfortable? I think I'm at a crossroads here. Something very big is happening in my life. Good or bad, I'm not sure which. 

First time blogger...

As a first time blogger, I'm unaware of any unwritten rules. If I step out of line, don't tell me. I'm not doing this for anyone but me. I've found my thoughts jumbled in my head a lot more than usual lately and there is a pressing desire for me to let them out. I expel a breath and I can breathe again. My chest no longer feels tight and I no longer worry that I will have a major (and very public) mental breakdown. Hopefully, the pain doesn't come back but I know that it will.